“Our Story”
I’m sitting here with my dog right now and my five week old
baby girl is sleeping in the other room. At face value, these are just two
seemingly simple facts. But- behind that lies a whole lot more. Behind these
facts, lies our story.
I have felt for a long time that our story should be shared.
Not because I need to be known or have a need to tell it, but because I know
the Lord does not want us to waste this. It is because of His faithfulness to
us that we have the story we do. We are by no means different than any other
couple. We are not exclusively special and what we’ve been through many, many
other people have also experienced. But, it’s when I read of these other
people’s experiences, I felt comforted. To know someone else has been there
too. So, I will share too. Now, with a cup of coffee in hand, my hound dog
cuddled up, and baby girl sleeping peacefully (for now), I will tell our story.
My husband, Kenneth, and I have been together for nine
years, married for four. In our second year of marriage, Kenneth and I decided
that we were ready to start our family. So, we began our journey into trying to
have a baby. Like most couples, it didn’t happen instantly. We tried for about
three months before one November morning, we found out we were pregnant. A
flood of excitement ran through us as we began to dream about our life with a
little one on the way. Our excitement rose over the next two weeks as we
planned out ways to tell our family, started looking at baby gear, began a list
of potential names, and found out that two of our close couple friends would
also be having babies around the same time. I began to feel some morning
sickness, but was still hanging in there dreaming of my baby who would be here
in June. Around week seven, we took a trip to Rockbridge- a Young Life camp in
Goshen, VA. Kenneth was at camp with high school kids, and I came up mid-way
through the weekend to visit. This was just another typical weekend for us. It
was on the way home from Rockbridge that I began to feel ill. I didn’t think
much of it, and continued on with my day, meeting some girls for a Bible study
at Longwood and then heading home. When I arrived home, however, it was to my
horror that I began to feel and notice that something was not right. I called
for help and waited for Kenneth to get home, as he was riding back on the bus
back kids. Once he was home, we went to the emergency room where we were
informed that we were losing our precious baby. Our sweet, sweet baby who we
had waited for months to conceive, who we dreamed and talked about day in and
day out, was fighting for life. The doctor told us there was nothing we could
do but wait it out. We stayed at the hospital a little longer and then were
discharged to go home for the night. Later that night because of some further
complications, we ended up needing to go to a larger, more equipped hospital
about an hour away. It was there that we had an ultrasound and got to see our
precious little one. That image is something we will hold on to forever. We
will never forget seeing our baby for the first, and for the last time. At that
point, the baby was still alive, but the heartbeat was dropping. From then, it
was just a matter of time, and shortly after we left the hospital, our baby
went to be with Jesus.
Kenneth and I were heart broken. For the first time in my
life, I felt a deep, deep sadness that cut me to my core. We didn’t understand
why our sweet baby had to pass away. The following days were filled with many
tears, uncertainty, and questions, but they were also filled with a profound
sense of peace. It was during this time, that I truly understood this verse
from Philippians: “And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Phil. 4:7) In the
midst of confusion and sadness, we were able to feel at peace with what had
happened. We knew that, even though our baby was only with us for seven weeks,
that he or she was now with Jesus. We clung to that for the next few months. And-
those next few months were hard. They were really, really hard. I changed a lot
during those months. Yet, every day our hearts healed from our loss and we
started to take steps forward.
After a long time of healing and prayer, we decided to try
again. When we began trying to get pregnant again, we couldn’t. So, we began to
explore our options for helping us have a baby. We walked a long road of
multiple doctors, theories, and battles with insurance. It turned out that I
had endometriosis- a condition that, in some women, can lead to difficulty
having children bringing along with it, other hosts of complications. Most
doctors that we saw wanted to fix this with different medications which really
would only have masked the condition not cured it. After many hours of research
and weighing our options, we knew that taking medicine to just mask the
condition was not what we wanted. After further research and talking with
others, we found a doctor at Duke who did surgeries to remove the endometriosis
with a small reoccurrence rate afterward. We pursued this path. However, we hit
a road block when my insurance would not pay anything toward this very
expensive surgery because it would not be done at a “networked” hospital. We
battled with the insurance company for many months, but in short, the surgery
was no longer an option at that time. During this time is when I really saw the
sacrificial love of my husband in a way I had never before. For months, he
battled with the insurance company on my behalf, spending many, many hours on
the phone with the company and hospitals. He did everything he could to try to
make the surgery possible. In the end, we can now see that it just wasn’t the
Lord’s plan for me to have the surgery then.
For the next year, we continued to try to get pregnant, but
with no success. This year of our lives wore me down. I slipped into a
gloominess that I couldn’t quite shake. I no longer enjoyed cooking, or being
around people- things I really enjoyed before. I sometimes had to force myself
to do things that I once loved. There were definitely moments of joy, don’t get
me wrong. God provided times of laughter, and of happiness. I would say that I
just wasn’t quite myself. But, during this year, our marriage grew stronger and
our faith in the Lord deeper. And, for that I am so thankful. It was hard, but
it was good. It was also during this year that we got our dog Tucker. Kenneth
had wanted a dog for a while, and we were finally in a house where we could
have a dog, so I gave in and along came Tucker. Looking back now, Tucker was a
big part of my healing process. We didn’t get Tucker because we were lonely, or
wanted to fill some “hole”. He was really sort-of a spontaneous decision, but
Tucker gave me something else to focus on. He brought us joy and many laughs. I
hated dogs, didn’t want one, but I am so thankful for Tucker. His presence
during that year helped in many unexpected ways.
In August of 2012, we were fortunate enough to meet our
current and amazing doctor. She had just started a practice in Richmond, one
hour from us. To make a long story short, she performs the same surgery as the
doctor at Duke and in October 2012 I was able to have the surgery. Through the
Lord’s provision, the surgery was paid for and we were on our way to trying to
have a baby again. And, we got pregnant again in January. We were so excited,
but very nervous. I got the blood work done to confirm the pregnancy and it was
then that we learned that my pregnancy levels were there, but low. Our hearts
sunk as we waited the coming days until the next round of blood work where we
would see if the levels had risen. We had scheduled to take a trip during this
time, which we went ahead and did to help get our minds off of things (yeah
right). I would have the blood work done when we returned. When we got home, I
returned to work. That day, our second, precious baby also left us to be with
Jesus. Our ray of hope, our sweet and dear baby left this life for Heaven. We
were numb. How could this happen again? After all that we had been through? It
didn’t seem fair. I truly can’t even put into words what we were feeling. It’s
just a hard place to describe. However, as with our first loss, we were
overwhelmed and comforted by the peace of the Lord, and we leaned on our close
friends and family for support. We decided then that we would stop trying for a
while and take a break.
Well, it was during said break that we got pregnant again.
Truly, this was a miracle. It took months and months for us to get pregnant the
first two times, and then when we were “breaking”, we got pregnant. Sure, I had
made a few simple tweaks in medication/diet/etc., but nothing that I thought
would lend itself to us conceiving. I guess what “they” say about not being so
stressed about getting pregnant helps you to get pregnant is true. After some
blood work, my doctor called me at 7:00 am one cold late February morning to
let me know that pregnancy levels were there and they were high. Kenneth and I
were ecstatic. We decided that we would go about this pregnancy with excitement
and joy because that’s what this baby deserved- not worry and panic. It was a
long, long nine months. I experienced about five months of straight morning
sickness, many aches and pains, and an always present twinge of worry (it was
hard not to!), but we made it! WE MADE IT. The Lord was (and is) faithful. He
heard our prayers. Kenneth and I, along with our friends and family prayed
every single day for this baby. There has never been a day in her life where
she has not been prayed for. This verse from Samuel is forever written on my
heart: “I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I have asked
of Him.” (1 Samuel 1:27)
And, so parenthood has begun. We love this baby more than
any amount of words could express. She is a constant joy- even when she’s
screaming. I think because I waited so long for her, I am able to be more
patient in the hard times. (I’m no saint, that’s for sure, I still get
frustrated!) Every day Holly teaches me about the Lord. She has taught me what
unconditional love looks like. She has taught me what unconditional forgiveness
is and how the Lord has that for us. I don’t remember anything that she did,
even an hour later, that made me mad. And- that is how God is for us. I never
understood how He could be that way until Holly came. She teaches me every day
how the Lord is faithful. And when I’m holding her close, I constantly thank Him
for our two other babies, because without them, Holly would not be here. They helped
us along our journey to get here.
And, that’s our story. It’s our story of the Lord’s
faithfulness through a very long, sometimes dark time in our lives. We have
made it through to the other side and we are thankful to the Lord for His past
and continued faithfulness and unending love in our lives. If you’re out there
reading this and you too are experiencing similar things, please know that you
are loved and your heart is known. It’s hard to talk about, to share with others.
It took me three years to let people know what we’ve been through. We have,
with the exception of some friends and family, kept our story to ourselves. We
are forever grateful for our family and for our friends that walked and are
still walking on this road with us. There were many hard moments that these
people helped us get through, so to you all, thank you. Now, it’s our time to
share, to hopefully bring a little light to someone else. Take heart, the Lord
is good.
To help us in our journey, we used the Creighton method and
NaPro doctors. If you would like more information on this, I would love to
share it with you and help in any way I can.
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